I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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