i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize