my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
