remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
