you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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