I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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