her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
as a side note pls kill me
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
