ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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