a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
