I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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