Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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