Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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