i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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