a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize