If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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