i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
