Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
