Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
