i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He felt like a one man threesome
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
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