Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Found your dick twin last night
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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