I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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