Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
