I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
