i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
