The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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