hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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