If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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