i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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