well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm getting married
To pizza
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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