My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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