just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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