Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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