I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
