i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
