he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I got chris browned last night
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Vodka?
Forever.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
