There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
