i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize