WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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