remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
