Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
