allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize