Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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