it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
