I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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