Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
