i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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