bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
