We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize