now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
