She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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