My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
