remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
