What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Are we still banned from the library?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
