I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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