My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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